after having one moment ago noticed that i Need to change something Immediately, i have decided it is time to write a self instantly, and instantly opened this editor to write this self.

sometimes i feel a certain pressure, it feels like something needs to come out but it is nothing specific. it is that i need to change something about my environment or create something new. i must create. i cannot deal with being static for too long. i must make change in myself, my environment, or others. visible change. to me. if i cannot even change myself, then i do not exist, then i am a husk, a puppet, not even being controlled by anyone in particular, just drifting along a somewhat muddy river.

it is necessary for me to do to be able to exist. if i do-n't, i do not. i might still physically exist. i might still even technically exist mentally, but i do not exist as myself, i dissociate.

sometimes i think this might secretly be my tendency to overvalue productivity. i hope it is not. if it is, i need to change it. or maybe do nothing at all and suffer. in a way, i am quite ableist. not in a physical way, but rather when it comes to doing literally anything. i Hate passivity. i similarly hate fake activity, activity that runs in circles with no end in sight at all. most social media activity is like that.

should i hate passivity? i cant really see why not; what good is life if i dont do anything? i could still observe, but even observation is more active than distraction, and most of the passivity i hate is actually distraction. should i hate distraction? i cant see why not. should i hate passivity without distraction? no, because observing, purposefully observing, or even purposelessly observing, with some derviation of enjoyment, is a wonderful thing. but isnt that an activity too? by being purposeful, it is. if it is not purposeful, probably not, and then it isnt that different to watching youtube, except you at least retain more control about what you focus on or dont focus on, where you direct your eyes.

should i bother thinking about this? does it matter? it doesnt matter. but i do want to bother thinking about this, because that way i might have new thoughts, refined from the previous, and i enjoy having those. as it seems, it probably wont change anything to have thought about this in more detail, except perhaps furthering awareness of myself and lessening the black-box-ity of my mind.

today i wrote my last written exam. i still have an oral one to go to, but that involves significantly fewer pains then a written one.

the exam was pretty meh. the tasks were absolutely the most dry i have seen in any exam thus far, or even in class. truly, they were so dry they would probably cause the paper to be unable to get wet. the perfect anti-tudbut-device. unimaginative, unexciting, bland, lacking all sense of direction or discovery. im being a bit unfair, some tasks werent quite as dry, but unfortunately about half of them were. ...
i did not do very well in this exam.

its not the worst case, i will still pass, but it should have been better, right? wrong. i must not care. and yet i care. but fuck me if i care; i am going to uncare instantly. i cannot let this irrelevant bullshit affect me. except it affects me and any attempts to ignore it are pure copium. i dont know why it affects me. i feel like i am better than doing badly on a maths exam, but i also feel like i should be better than give a shit about it after the exam is over and my grade almost certainly a passing one.

its not very nice.