i am trans by coincidence.

in fact, i sometimes feel like being trans is something i am "as an aside" to such a large degree that it can feel wrong to call myself trans.

i use any pronouns, but i dont really ever mention it, because it feels too unimportant to take up any time.

i am biologically trans, and socially kind of too; i take estradiol-based HRT which suppresses my testosterone production, and i am intending to continue doing this. but it doesnt feel like a choice i made, even though i did. in fact, i am not even sure if i would make this choice again. i am trans because in 2023 (i think) (yes 2023, specifically 2023-03-24) i found out i did "being trans". that is why i transitioned. this is usually called "my egg cracked", but i do not want to frame it this way because it implies i was always going to be this way (eggs crack, sooner or later). maybe, if it hadnt happened then, it wouldve never happened and i wouldve been happy in some way anyway. but im happy now as well, i know that, and i know it more surely than what might have been in some other future, and thats all that matters.

what i mean is i am trans in the same way that i am a programmer. that is a thing i am now, but i am only a programmer because i was bullied in primary school and that made me learn coding as a form of escapism and because i couldnt go to school for half a year and had nothing else to do. of course, i didnt become trans because i had nothing else to do; but i didnt choose either of these, and neither did anyone else choose it, and neither was it something that was always going to be like this no matter what. [but also, i dont think It Going Any Differently was ever going to be happening: i believe that most things are deterministic, although also chaotic (see butterfly effect).]

i am aware that this statement goes against a lot of common narratives:

• according to transphobes [and thereby also mainstream media], i should be a detransitioner. but i am not. i dont mind this coincidence.
• according to transphobes also, i should be a great example of how transition is bad actually and trans people dont exist. but i am trans and i exist and i dont mind my transition. its just more of a coincidence than something that i think has always been like this.
• according to other flavors of transphobes, i am either a danger because in reality i am a twisted sick evil motherfucker who isnt really trans [enough], or a very sad case of someone transitioning despite not being really trans [enough].
• according to some trans people, i am a danger to the community because i dont fit the standard of someone who really needed to transition to survive and has always known. in other words, i am not really trans [enough].
• according to some trans people, sharing what i am currently sharing is dangerous because i am helping transphobes by feeding into their narrative because i am saying im not really [that] trans and/or didnt actually need transition.

some of these may call for additional information: while i do not need to {have transitioned in the past} nowadays, i did have a real need for it during at the very least the years where i started my transition. in fact, i was quite suicidal and very unhappy, which was solved almost fully when i transitioned. what brings me to say i am trans by coincidence is that there was probably another possible path where i would not have needed this and would not have done it, and where i wouldve never "found out that i am trans". essentially, one where none of that wouldve happened and i found some other path in life that i enjoyed.

but this is not that reality.

and this is also why you must believe people who say they are trans: that means the current reality is one where they are trans, and you or anyone else will not be able to change that. if you read this and you are That Specific Person who kept telling me i am actually "normal" (including being cis) while themselves being trans, i want you to eat a rubber eraser right now.

i continue to take my hormones because i am trans now; and that hasnt changed (but it might and that would be fine), but there is not nearly as much force with which i am trans than there used to be, because there is not nearly as much gender within me as there used to be: i was born into the male gender - assigned male at birth by phenotype and society - then i transitioned to a female gender in phenotype (mostly) and society; and now i have decided to stop giving a fuck and no longer declaring my social gender. sure, i look like a woman now. in fact i probably am one. but i also Really Do Not Care. anyone can call me by any pronouns, because my gender doesnt matter to me unless you are trying to use gender to restrict me. my gender matters so little in fact that it changes based on what is the funniest option in any given situation.

so: i am trans not because i choose to be trans every day, i am trans by coincidence, because something happened in my life and that something was me transitioning because i needed to at the time, for whatever reason it might have been. i am not Not Trans, its just that me being trans is entirely a coincidence instead of something i am actively pursuing or strongly working towards or whatever. i am passively trans, it is a product of what happened, not of how i am now or want to be now. and that is okay, because i am very happy, and who knows what wouldve happened otherwise.

and my experience probably doesnt apply to everyone! thats okay, i dont care. im sure others are not trans by coincidence, or at the very least not in the same way. but i am, and i think thats kinda neat.