i failed my last ever exam. zero points, no retakes, and about 50% chance this failure will cascade into the last two years of school having been a waste.

i feel more alive than i ever have in the past several weeks, which i suppose is a very good thing. i am done with school, no more looming danger.

the way in which i failed this exam is that i didnt show up because i thought it was tomorrow, not today. the school of course is a mechanism and everyone inside it is a robot, so anything out of protocol is too complicated for them to handle, including adjusting for such things, because the goal of school is not to educate or even test for education, but rather to mechanize.

good to see i have not mechanized enough to not somehow misread the date on the list.

this might cascade quite a lot. if this means i fail my abitur, it will quite significantly alter my life in some ways, but im relatively ready for whatever comes. after all, anticipatory masochism has made me plan many things as if i was going to be homeless shortly after i move out, even though that will almost certainly not happen. but preparing for the worst is good i suppose.

although i will never kill myself, after hearing these news, i did throw my knife to the opposite side of the room. just to be sure i cant make a rushed decision. now that risk is basically gone but im keeping it there for the moment, better be safe than not at all.