tudbut

the end

the end is near. there are 8 days of school left. i am currently experiencing last week before the last week before the end. it is somewhat difficult to think about what my life might be like afterwards as for the entirety of my real life before then, i will have had a legal obligation to go somewhere almost every day.

i can already feel it.

there is nothing left to do except be present now and do five more exams a week apart later on. although the need to be present is still a similar degree of painful as it always was, the timespans it applies to have been reduced. lots of teachers are missing a lot of the time, and the amount of hours per week i have hasn't been this low since fifth grade, 8 years ago. it hasnt been as doable as it is now in a long time.

i am still in the burnout, i still can never be sure i can actually follow through with any promises even when i kind of want to, but i am not getting worse as much as i did before; in fact i am getting better.

it won't be over

the lack of control doesnt end with this particular misery though. there is more, and there will be more thereafter, but this instance will likely be the only one for quite a while where i have no say in where i want my pain. unlike now, the options of then will be somewhat equal, instead of the choice between pain now or more pain later i have been having to make every day.

its on my mind

the end is on my mind, maybe a little too much. it consumes a significant portion of my headspace, despite there not really being that much to think about. i should be thinking about all sorts of better things. this isnt even fun. but it clouds my mind.