i have a burning headache, i have a burning rage against the hypocrites i have to interact with, i have a burning dread of a possible (though unlikely) future, it burns that i have to deal with the bullshit of so many people, it burns that my relentless positive attitude keeps being put to the test. within me, there are fires, and they want to burn many things down.

step 1. have a community of thousands of oppressed people
step 2. be surprised when suicides happen in it
step 3. ignore that this might be because its a community full of oppressed people who are already much more prone to suicide
step 4. blame the community instead
step 5. call them enablers of abuse

the above paragraph is a subpost basically, but idrc. it turns out communities are not homogenous masses who are always capable of supporting everyone within. it turns out if a community isnt capable of saving everyone, that doesnt mean it hasnt saved many. it turns out imperfect is better than nonexistent. fuck you all.

now watch me be cancelled and called pure evil who should die, by the exact people who were calling the community abusive for not having been able to save 100%.

many things do not bode well for my future. i refuse to let this fuck me up, but unfortunately it does have a little bit of presence in my mind sometimes. there is a chance i will be gone'd by force in the not too distant future. i hope this does not happen. it might though. and i am not prepared in any way, in fact kind of the opposite in many ways. there are lots of things that can be used to contribute to my demise, and i am too late to control all of them. most of them, even.

i may be paranoid. unfortunately, this paranoia is rooted mostly in realism and knowing a few cognitohazards-that-make-you-paranoid(TM).

the longer i am, the more paranoid i become.