returning to reality. the last few days, weeks even, have been horrible. i have dropped deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper into a state of nonexistence. i have existed so little that i was unable to get myself to do anything to genuinely care for myself, and i have cared for myself so little that i had no energy to do anything. a state of barely-presence, of minimized energy throughput, not even capable of concentrating on reality itself.

i shall return if i can. today i have tasted truth, and i do not want to let it be ripped away again. maybe i have already returned. i hope i have.

i have gone to the doctor yesterday. i will get tested for several deficiencies and possible problems next wednesday. i will know what is going on soon after. i have already supplemented all B-vitamins, vitamin C, vitamin A, creatine, and gone back to wearing my glasses. i will give brain fog as hard a time as i possibly can. i am also going to sleep much more regularly as far as i can. i know for a fact that two weeks ago, i was almost fully fine, and so i will do my best to make as many factors as i can better or equal to two weeks ago.

the best way for me to escape cycles is to set a hard break in as many ways as possible.

returning to arch linux. the last few months, years even, have been horrible. i have dropped deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper into a state of self-induced suffering through the use of an operating system that does not live in the real world. nixos is not an operating system for the real world. it forgets that an operating system is not an ecosystem but a thing meant to run programs inside of it, separately from the operating system. it forgets that hardware isnt always new. it forgets that not all software is in nixpkgs, and much will never be. it makes itself untouchable and calls it freedom. a config file you cannot create, a default you can only change by rebuilding your whole system. die.

i do not need sophisticated configs. i do not need updates. thats why i version-locked my arch system. no more. i am done. software is finished. the danger is after this particular location. nothing valued comes beyond this point. march 2026. the time before rsync became broken slop. the danger is to the sanity, and it can kill.

a hard break in as many ways as possible. a manufactured notion of new beginnings. i cannot fall if where i am is new ground.