i feel too much regret. things i shouldve done, things i shouldve never done, things i should have been quicker to do, things i shouldve waited with, things i shouldve done more, neverending barrages of self-inflicted suffering wherever and whenever i look into the past.

i cant sleep. my mind is filled with what shouldve been, what never shouldve been, and what should finally be but i am failing to make happen. i should've applied to uni today. i shouldve gone to sleep earlier. i shouldve started cleaning my room again. i shouldve started planning my trip to the UK. i shouldve never met anyone. i shouldve met more people. i shouldve never started hrt and i shouldve started 5 years earlier. i shouldve never talked to anyone and talked to more people. i shouldve shown more appreciation for people and i shouldve never let anyone see my feelings.
n e v e r e n d i n g
p e r f e c t
t o r m e n t .
pain without purpose.
suffering without learning.
regret without change.

theres no point.

did you know i dont really like thinking about the past? its almost always nothing but regret or nostalgia, and nostalgia is unfortunately the sister of regret. there is no past without pain. the only past that can be joyful is the immediate past, but when even the immediate past happens to be a regretful one, there is nothing left. today there is nothing left. i say there is nothing left because thinking about the immediate past is both what i do in my sleep and how i fall asleep. but i cannot fall asleep on pure regret, so i cannot fall asleep today until there is no other option, which takes a long time. it is already 5AM. maybe writing this will finally give me peace.

the past is joyless, the future is uncertain, and neither of the two exist, yet can be excellent torture devices.