i have nothing to say. unlike i am used to, my thoughts feel simultaneously predictable and fake, what i write seems worthless to me, similar in style to what an LLM could come up with, entirely unmeaningful. nothing i could say is in any way new to me. i have not changed in several weeks. i may have tried to return, but the success has been so limited as to be meaningless to me. i have been powerless to change absolutely anything about my situation: my eating habits stay bad no matter how much stuff i buy that i actually might like, my breakfast is crisps because im hungry and thats easier than eating a sandwich and fuck my body i guess, my day is the same every day because whenever i try to make a change (like i did a week ago) it quickly gets rolled back through external influence (like two events and/or my parents), my life is full of dissociation because i dont go outside because it is unbearably warm and sufferful, i cant go outside earlier because my routine of getting up at 1AM was ripped from me by external influences and my own inadequate ability to stick to anything, and i cannot create anything because learned helplessness and nothing to say and nothing to think and i dont want to spend money and everything is illegal and i get bored of everything within 10 milliseconds.

i need to kill youtube but i know i wont succeed, just like everything else i tried to change. i cannot let my stubbornness be ripped from me, but what else can i do.

its probably time i admit i have depression again. i failed, not because i ... what the FUCK is that chatgpt ass sentence fuck OFF.

its probably time i admit i have depression again. despite all my efforts, the combination of salmonella (?), heat wave, feeling stuck at home, my already shit eating habits, and just enough external influence to destabilize without forcing me to stand on any new ground, have completely ruined my ability to handle myself. i still dont really feel sad per se but i am once again dissociated and unable to enjoy life. and this time i dont even know why, because this is not gender dysphoria, moreso situation dysphoria. what kind of fucked up life is this that doesnt even leave me enough mental space to make some god damn art. i feel more imprisoned than i ever did when i had daily school because i am locked in this glass cage with the sun burning down at me. what the fuck has happened to all the time im meant to have?? all i do is melt away, then waste away, then wither away, and every day i get closer to death by starvation yet have no hunger or appetite. does my body really want to starve THAT badly?? all the signals my body is sending are telling me that it would actually much prefer to starve to death than be healthy, and i am starting to give up fighting against it. if my body wants to starve this badly, who am i to try stopping the fast anymore.