i have not done enough today, i feel.

this is not because i have actually done very little today. i have actually done quite a lot. but i dont feel like i did enough nor as much as i did.

i have written a self.

i have prepared for school tomorrow.

i have chatted with people.

i have listened to music.

i have done the basics for the most part too.

but despite that, i feel like it has not been enough. i have not created enough. i need to create more. more. creation. all the creation. no entry only creation. my vocal hands need exercise.

and so i am giving them more exercise by writing another self. last self was pretty cool, but some people didnt like it because they didnt understand what i meant. they thought i was saying people should like what they create.

no. you should create it without thinking about whether you like it. if you like it afterwards, mark those ideas as good
and experiment further. if you dont, mark those ideas as shit
and experiment further.

and before you create it, dont think about what you want to create. create it while creating it. the blank page doesnt exist. only the next word. and the next word is "good evening" if there is no other next word. if you need to plan first thats fine too but create the plan while creating it and do not plan for it to be good. the idea is you have an idea and see if you have a better one after the first one is dead (by being done or forgotten or shot). if you have a standard that says it must be good then kill that standard. no more.

it is evening now; quite late evening in fact. i have 10 days of school left, which means 12 days until the first End. after that, the second End comes a few months later and then i have graduated.

so there is only 12 days left for now where i need to make sure to have enough fuel to keep burning. i will burn quite dimly, but it is unlikely i will run out now, which means it is very likely i will get to have my long happy Ending. i have only rarely had too little fuel to continue, and could usually fill back up with skipping school for a day and going into some forest or park.

it seems kind of lucky. many times along the path so far have i thought i could not make it because i would not be able to gather enough fuel to keep burning unless i skip school so often that i get expelled or have to repeat a year. but by a small margin, i kept the flame alive through the last few weeks and now the flame needs much less fuel. after the End, it will need barely any fuel at all, i think. after the End, it will need barely any fuel at all, i hope.

these last two weeks will be a lot simpler, i think, i hope, but there is a chance they will still cause trouble. but this thursday, the grades are going to be set in stone, for the most part, which means i do not need to worry much at all anymore.

still despite the shortness i did do things today, more than on most school days, which i am happy with, but yet it doesnt feel enough.

i dont think i can make it feel enough.

i do have some more ideas that i want to kill by writing them down. maybe i will revive them tomorrow in new forms.

it turns out that many people still think cringe is a thing. undoubtedly, it does exist. but also, existence does not mean we need to acknowledge it. writing my diary into the world wide web might be cringe, but i am doing it anyway and not even thinking about it most of the time. it can help people feel things about me or themselves, and it helps me exercise my digital voice, and it can help me spread or kill ideas, which may help others also poke theirs.

it also turns out the truth does not exist. this is not new to me, but i put it into practice some more today. it assists me in my quest to be able to use my words to do whatever i want not just in CPUs but also in greater space. i summoned a wooden beam in someone's living room today. it was much like the grandfather clock that is on your table right now. you might upon first glance not see it, but it is there and i can see it. it is quite tall, but not as tall as the desk fan next to it. the clock isnt ticking though, you keep letting it run out.

unfortunately, exercising the words is just like exercising the muscles. it takes a long time and many tries and it hurts occasionally, but it eventually reaches a point where you can do a lot with them, and there are an infinite number of moments in between where you notice how much better you have become with them. eventually there will come a point where the quick gains are over, but even then there is a lot left to reach, and the ceiling is high. even if i may at some point be at the end of my words, i will not be at the end of my ideas until there are no more ideas to come across, which is never.