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i am once again not in a state to write soc. thats fine, again, but i do not feel fine. its not plain rage this time. instead i am quite thoroughly boiled in the head, as though someone had blasted half my brain out.

maybe it is partly because of my tiredness, or maybe i am fighting against some sort of virus, or maybe i just ate too badly. all of these are pretty probable. another thing that definitely contributes is the impending oral exam. my last exam, out of all exams. there is nothing left after this. but the closer i get to it, the more insane i seem to get, as if my mind was glitching out from the knowledge that it will be free soon. anticipatory insanity.



i am in a state where it feels like a supernatural force is keeping me from learning for said oral exam. it is not the usual feeling i get with adhd. it is pure refusal, even though i know it is wiser to not refuse. i dont belive in god, but this is probably what it would feel like to be controlled by one. but on the other hand i do sort of believe in god, just in a very strange way. the closest i get some days to believing in god is believing myself to be somewhat supernatural. the closest i get other days to believing in god is finding joy in attributing things to mysterious divine forces. it is fun to mythologize things and to think of things as supernatural.

it is extremely strange to me that i do not have any extraordinary physical powers. in fact i have been relatively convinced for years that realistically i should be able to fly, and somewhat more recently also do telekinesis, but it seems that just never seems to happen. my somewhat lackluster physical strength appears similarly strange to me, though somewhat less so.