lack of ability is what i feel. not because i cant do it, but because i do not want to. i could do it easily, but i do not want to do it. i dont want to spend my time being able to do it.

i am talking about exams at school. none of these things are such that they are hard to learn, in fact i know a lot of it already, but despite this, they are also hard for me to learn. they suck, they are boring, it is not what i want to learn or do, i want to do things other than those. i could take my ADHD meds and do it even easier, in fact it wouldnt even feel boring then, but i dont want to do that because then i would risk learning the boring things, i dont want to know them, even though not knowing them will bring me immense stress on monday. but i dont want it in my mind, i dont want to want to do it, i dont want to want to want to do it, and so i dont take the medication that would make me want to want to want to want to do it.

so i wait for monday and the suffering it will bring. and the panic attacks when i cant know it.

i think i might have the purest form of laziness. not just do i not want to put in the effort, i dont even want to want to do so. most people with ADHD want to do it but cant do it because they cant concentrate on it, or they dont want to do it but they want to want it because they have a significant sense of self preservation when it comes to social status which leads them to want to conform to the expectations laid upon them. fortunately, i do not have such a sense of self social status preservation. fortunately, i do not give a fuck about what people will think when i fully knowingly do not want to put in effort to please them.

unfortunately however, this also puts a little bit of a roadblock in the place where there would usually be a very easy path to a degree and thus more money and opportunities. but because of my general feeling that any progress towards money and opportunities i make will be taken away anyway, this does not help me want.

i know i must not give up because there is a chance and i {should/}{want to/} take it. which is why i even concern myself with it at all. but i also cannot feel actual desire for this and i barely want to either.

and all the best success will still suck in comparison to walking for hours through a lonely forest, and i dont need a degree to do that.