as you may or may not know, i have very little in terms of true personality. what i am like changes significantly based on who i am around. and who i am around was, for the last two days, an idealist. i have some insights about this.

idealism can come in many forms, both positive and negative. an idealized vision of the future can be one where everything is exactly as the idealist wants. for example, something can work out perfectly and with no issues and infinite motivation to make things happen. moving out into an apartment in hamburg with nothing inside and transforming it into the ultimate smart home except fully self hosted and everything is neat and there is a unified interface for everything. this is idealist because it is not going to happen that way, and because if it does, it will not happen for long. smart light bulbs are expensive, break easily, have trouble connecting, and might just not do what you tell them and then you need to spend an hour troubleshooting. my smart thermostat in my room frequently sets the temperature to temperatures i do not want, and neither me nor my father who set it up, know why.

idealism can also be negative: an ideal, perfect hell. nothing will work out ever and there will be every possible form of suffering to the largest extent possible. i will never ever find a good doctor and if i do they wont take me and i cannot do anything to change that. i will be completely alone by the time i turn 40. i will never find a job i will even remotely find acceptable. these statements are not all from the same person, but they are all examples of facets of an idealized hell, and the more of them one believes in, the more likely they are to be suicidial, because suicidality and negative idealism strengthen each other.

i want to say i am not an idealist in either way, but that would be a lie. i have had my fair share of both negative and positive idealism, but i am usually able to catch this before it gets too established in my mind.

idealism also dictates what you focus on. do you focus on the rather ordinary occurences, or rather the possible (or even impossible) idealized ones: a positive idealist may focus entirely on the result of a long and unliekly process, years ahead of time, in order to think about the incredible things they may be able to do thereafter. i once talked at great lengths about the great things i would be able to do if i could buy a great warehouse in many years. but in reality, that will probably not happen.

in a way, it is good to think about those things so you know what you want to do. in another, overfocusing on them almost inevitably leads to disappointment later or despair now, or both. this is why i think the future is a trap. indulging in fantasy (and that is what that is) about it may be nice in one way, but with enough awareness about the fantastical nature of your thoughts comes despair, knowing it will probably not happen. at the same time, thinking about idealized hells means despair even immediately, not just from knowing it wont happen. in fact, knowing it wont happen is more of a rescue line in that case, but the water is still cold enough to hurt even when climbing back out.

the next step is the only step.

i am not very happy with this self. it is the best i can write, but it is not very good at conveying its ideas. not as good as i would like and as i believe they usually are. it is missing context, and it is lacking clear communication in many ways. too much talking around the point instead of talking the point, but this is the best i can do because even i dont know what my point truly is.