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i do not want (most) mind-altering substances. the experience is almost universally one of powerlessness in one way or another. and it is almost universally one of pain and suffering in at least one way.

caffeine

caffeine is kind of pretended to be a miracle drug that is great and should be everywhere. no it should not. just like with most "bad evil" drugs, you get tolerant and then its useless, except now you need it to feel good. what kind of shitty deal is that!

i seem to be kind of immune to caffeine addiction. before you say im wrong and im actually coping and in fact addicted: i do not drink caffeine. i do not eat caffeine. nothing i consume even remotely regularly has caffeine within. i am in fact not addicted to it.

and i seem to be kind of immune to caffeine addiction: when i drank a good 1-2 monster energy drinks a day (for weeks), i did so mostly for the taste. when i noticed i Liked Sleeping Actually, i stopped, with no consequences. i then drank pepsi occasionally. it was less annoying, but it still messed with me in ways i did not enjoy. and it once again did nothing good except taste nice.

so i stopped. i did so after many months of regular caffeine consumption. and when i noticed i disliked it, i stopped. this required no effort: i didnt even need to throw away the leftover pepsi or energy drinks. the only thing i needed was to find a nice brand of lemonade i liked the taste of to satiate my desire for nice-tasting drinks. i have an unopened can of energy drink next to me as a mix between power move and laziness. i dont want to move it out of my room so it just stays permanently visible. but i do not have a sudden moment of weakness, i am stubborn enough to have not opened it in the now about 2 months i am without caffeine (and 3 months without energy drinks).

thus i conclude i do not really get addicted to it, but this knowledge is useless to me because i wont drink it nonetheless. even when people offer it to me, i tend to decline. the rare case where i dont, i drink a minimal amount (this has in fact been the case even before i quit).

alcohol

alcohol is another common thing. it can have a numbing effect or a calming one - certainly a lot better for sleep than caff. and yet i recently had my two moments with it as well when i consumed it in a situation where it wasnt particularly fitting:

alcohol is even more disempowering than caffeine, and even caffeine is too disempowering for me. i like being myself, and i believe my best self is the one that isnt under any external influence. i modify myself often, but i prefer to be the one doing that. alcohol doesnt really modify me (my biggest hateletter has yet to come) but it does make it harder to remain at my maximum agency, and i fucking love agency. do not ever put me in a cage, especially not a chemical one; and if you do, make sure im not coherent enough to even notice.

the effects of alcohol on me are relatively little compared to most because i have quite good self control, and i practice it often enough to be quite good at handling myself even when most have issues with self-control. unfortunately, it does still significantly reduce my mental capacity since most of it is spent on remaining fully in control of myself. the amount of inhibitions it removes is minuscule compared to most people, but it does still do it somewhat. this is coupled with a reduced default concentration. i need to put quite a lot of effort in to be concentrated enough to do complex tasks or have complex thoughts. luckily, it does not change any aspects of my self, my desires, or my view of myself. as a result, this is something i actually consume voluntarily sometimes. unlike the next, my ultimate hatred:

adhd medication (mph & amphetamine)

amphetamine (called speed in street drug form, adhd medication in medication form) is one of my most behated substances. i have adhd. i experience the pain of not being able to do some things nearly as easily as others. so i sook medication.

i was given my first adhd medication at age 17 or so, called methylphenidate. in effect, it was a stronger caffeine. as with everything on this list, i did not form an addiction despite taking it regularly for a while and it allegedly being quite addictiong. unfortunately, i had to stop taking it after a while.

as mph is basically like stronger caffeine to me, it ruined my sleep in some ways. i like polyphasic sleep, this means i want to be able to take naps. no such thing with mph. it not only removes tiredness, it also (unlike both amph and caff) makes sleeping basically physically impossible. with caffeine i may not feel tired, but i CAN do it. with amphetamine, i dont really know, i barely took it, but usually i could still nap fine.

mph also did another thing: it increased my blood pressure and heart rate to an uncomfortable degree.

i stopped taking my mph when i noticed it not only did all of these annoying things, it also made me barely any more productive, it basically just had placebo level effects in the positive department.

i asked my doctor to switch after reading amph was better. so i got my elvanse. it seemed incredibly good. it made me more productive, and it didnt really affect my heart or sleep much. the problem: it changed my personality, it made me more stressed, it made me feel some incredibly uncomfortable things that i still cannot quite describe (pressure of some sort, i think), it basically amplified all negative emotions, which i had lots of, considering i was at school when i took it.

you know what's worse than bad sleep? your mind being controlled in a way that makes several negative emotions extremely strong. not even anger or something. just, despair, pressure, stress, all that. frustration too.

and somehow this is not the worst part. it also completely DELETED any semblance of appetite. it made me actively disgusted at the thought of eating. it made food completely repulsive, more repulsive than these texts are to a conservative.

this was in fact what started my hate for mind-altering substances. from there, it expanded towards caffeine and alcohol, though alcohol remains somehow my least hated.

the funniest part is, the only thing that adhd medications help me do are things i dont want to do, which creates cognitive dissonance (of the bad kind) and means they provide nothing of true value to me. if i dont take them, i actually feel better even when it comes to my productivity. i dont overwork myself, and i dont do what i dont want. win-win.



unfortunately, caffeine out of these is the most annoying: it is shoved down your throat everywhere. it is basically impossible to avoid it thoroughly if youre serious about never consuming it. i am not this serious about it, i will drink a glass of cola if its not too late and its not a big glass and theres no other good option. but i should not even have to do that. most drinks with caff dont even need it for their taste. so if anyone ever reads this who can do something about this shit, please do. (i know this will never happen.)

alcohol is however the one i hate the least out of all of these, because i have extremely thorough choice in whether i want to consume it at any point, and i know the effects and they can be kind of fun in specific situations. it is definitely not something i would enjoy as an Everyday though, and it can be extremely annoying (though nothing worse than annoying) when consumed unfittingly.