food update: hunger's back.

previously, i had been struggling to eat because i had too little appetite. the cause of this was high stress, which has by now disappeared as school has ended. more recently, i had been struggling to eat instead because of lack of hunger. i was eating so many crisps that i completely ruined my ability to feel hungry. the fix was as simple as it was brutal for me: no more crisps. there are still constant cravings for them and cannot get them off my mind, as if they were some sort of addictive drug, but my digestive health has improved massively. with that, the hunger has returned.

the problem has shifted. first it was no appetite, then no hunger, and now it is actually acting on that hunger. in a way, i am back to the problem of lack of appetite, only this time the problem is much less pronounced and i am able to cope. luckily i have decent quality food accessible to me at no cost.

as a power move, i have kept the crisps in my room, just like other addictive substances, only that crisps are the only ones where i am actually struggling. the alcohol and caffeine are here too, also as a power move to myself, to show myself how much self control i can exert, but the crisps are actually pushing me to my limit. this is good. i like a challenge, i havent been challenged meaningfully in a very, long, time.

in fact, the hardest part of this challenge is that the crisps i have are my favorite flavour, and yet i cannot have them. this challenge of self-cruelty is perhaps the most productive masochism i have practiced in months, and i dont plan to stop until i have truly given up the constant thoughts about crisps. ill have a week or so with not a single serious thought of eating them before i will consider lifting the ban that i imposed on this toxic shit. and if i indeed get to that point of a week without cravings, i will still be waiting another 3 weeks before actually eating any. at that point it should be easy after all, and if it isnt, then im resetting the timer. i cannot afford to stay addicted to this tasty poison.