i cannot live like this for long. not because i cannot handle it emotionally or whatever, but because physically, i will die if i keep up my current habits, specifically the ones around food:

i currently eat extremely poorly by every metric. i eat too little for a start, but i also eat complete trash when i do. i skip breakfast most days, i eat a bag of crisps a day, i barely eat fruits or vegetables recently. this will not work out forever, but i dont know how to stop. i have somehow managed to develop a taste that hates the majority of foods i am served, and a laziness that stops me from making my own that i might not dislike.

i do not want this to go on, but what are even my options? my taste is incompatible with life, if i were living 100 years ago i would starve, i do not eat most meat, i hate many veggies, i am allergic against apples, i dislike almost all other fruit. how the actual FUCK do people manage to get fat? some say by eating a lot of crisps, but one bag of crisps is enough to satiate me for half a day and make any other eating a complete pain in the ass. i physically cannot eat enough because to do so i would have to force myself, again and again and again and again. a tiny plate and i am full and if i try to eat more it becomes an ordeal so slow and untimely and uncomfortable that i would rather continue slowly starving to death. if i do it anyway, i wont get hungry again until many hours after, completely offsetting the progress made.

how is it that some people like eating when all it is is painful work in need of doing to survive. it can be tasty, but when it is tasty it is profoundly filling to the point where that, too, leaves me with too little clories and nutrients per day. what is the secret? am i cursed? am i uniquely doomed to forever never be able to sustain myself painlessly?