everything must die. reality and unreality yearn for destruction, and neither me nor my creations will escape it. the destruction of the self commences every day, until a climax where the new one will not be in the control of the core of the previous. i thoroughly enjoy the daily destruction of my self, but i do not enjoy very much that one day the previous will not give control to the next, because i like having things to do.

i also thoroughly enjoy destruction in many other cases. there is code to kill and there is art to paint over and there is writing to make obsolete and ideas to put into practice or forget.
destruction is the best way to make space for the next, and while no pressure must exist for the next to be better, it almost always will be.

and yet i cannot get myself to delete parts of my history which neither me nor anyone else needs to continue preserving. i cannot even get myself to kill old code of mine, because when its not on a limited canvas it seems easier to find reasons to keep it, or it seems harder to find reasons to kill it. there is no strict necessity, so it doesnt happen. it feels like i should keep it around even if just to point and laugh at it which is actually kind of fucked up because it contributes to elitism.

the more i kill myself and create myself anew, the more i can do, but the less i can plan. and with that, we are once again at my hate for planning. it might be one of the biggest aspects of my personality.
i want to continue replacing myself constantly as i consider it the best way to constantly progress as a person. but if i do that, my past decisions wont line up with my future self, because my self now is never the same as my self that used to be. every day, yesterday's self is killed and a new self for today rises from its ashes, but the New Self will not respect the decisions of the Old Self, which makes most planning useless.

school was actually a net positive experience today, though the last lesson absolutely sucked. maybe i should have skipped it. anyways, point is school was a net positive. i had two hours free that i used to do shenanigans with the other people who had them free; we also drank some alcohol. as of right now, i am still of the opinion that i will not touch caffeine anymore, but alcohol has yet to cause me any trouble beyond making my performance at school slightly worse. i do not know how people can actually enjoy drinking caffeine though; caffeine is a substrate of hellish experiences in various shapes and sizes. it makes sleeping harder and waking more stressful and everything in between a mental pain. there is also no actual performance gain because all the things caffeine supposedly helps with are good by default if you never drink any. its very typical drug stuff really, but to a degree i only recently realized because i never really considered that something this popular could suck so bad, and i admit it can sometimes be of slight benefit, including in taste.

i will probably touch caffeine again once i am more socially active as being so tends to come with being in places where nearly all drinks are either extremely boring or have caffeine. but i will probably still be trying to avoid any strong drinks.