good evening.

during my usual hate on planning i pondered while in bed yesterday, i have discovered a possible additional factor to make me Like That:

i want to live every possible life.

if i plan, i discard the other possibilities.
if i plan to have a career, i murder the self that wants to be an unemployed writer.
if i plan to live with someone, i murder the self that wants to live alone and be affected by as few people as possible.
if i plan to live in czechia, i murder the self that wants to live in australia.
if i plan to be alone and independent, i murder the self that wants to live in a house with 20 cool people.

no matter what i plan, i will always be murdering another part of myself. if i dont plan, i dont have to do that - those selves just slowly wither away on their own as soon as that future becomes unreachable. but so far, that has rarely become the case, i have a lot of time left to change what i am, but i know i dont have enough for everything, and some selves have already died.

sometimes the murdered selves come back to life, but it still hurt to murder them.

i need to choose, but every choice i make for the future means i must give up on many ideas and desires i would ordinarily want to do, but i cant do all of them.

i dont really have fear of death in the common sense of the word, but i do have a desire to live a lot. ideally, i would have a billion lives where i could try out every possible thing a life could be like.

but i dont.
i need
to choose.