i feel a bit of dismay.

recently it has been getting harder again to write artly, i think, and i am thus stuck writing rants mostly. maybe thats fine. it probably is. but why?

recently it has been getting harder again to not dislike computers. all operating systems have mountainous pain points that would have been highly avoidable. it seems it is impossible to take only the good and not the bad when creating an OS.

recently it has been getting harder to do things again. i have been in a healthy balance of doing and nondoing for a bit recently, but that balance is shifting again it seems. i dont know why i think that because i have been doing a lot. but it has mostly been digital. maybe i will grab my axe and destroy some wood in the coming days just to have done something that is neither passive nor online.

it feels strange that this is my first thought, but i have very little else. i can continue making my fridge object but it feels hopeless. i could make it so that it isnt hopeless but i dont have enough money. there is nothing to do.

online there is always something i can do, but there is nothing To do at the moment that doesnt feel like a chore. in the physical realm the same applies, mostly. i dont really have anything nice i can do. maybe i will write, but i have too few ideas that arent just rants. this is a lie, but i dont feel like writing those ideas down right now and they are too distant for me to actually think on them much.

i did a very long stream yesterday. it was 6h ish long. it started as a pastagang jam and later became a reaction to the stream itself, resulting in a mental feedback loop, which was quite enjoyable and in the end almost felt like as if i was on some kind of drug.

now i have little to say. i dont really want to write about anything in particular, but i do want to write something, but i dont have any ideas i want to write on right now either.

there is nothing left to do or say, it feels like. i have also barely changed recently. the only thing that has happened today is me getting more bitter and less motivated about everything. i dont want to do anything.

i could write some sort of fiction. but i dont care enough. i dont want to do anything.

i could even practice drawing. but i dont care enough, i dont want to do anything.

i could do some exercise. but i dont care enough, i dont want to do anything.

i could go outside. but i dont care enough, and by now you know how this sentence will end.

dismay.