good evening.

yes, it is time for a bit of an old school self. "good evening" and all. i have two things i want to talk about: devices, and exhaustion. the exhaustion is me. the devices are media players.

the device in question is a small purple MP3 player called Mechen M3. it sucks ass because it has a pretty mediocre DAC and even more mediocre screen and a usb transfer speed that is jealous of usb 2.0. it takes a good hour to transfer even just the mp3 version of my music library, flacs would be literally impossible to handle on it. it can play flacs, yes, but it cannot store them in a way that matters. i will not be waiting hours for my music to sync.

furthermore, its touch screen is an insult to technology. it is so inaccurate, slow, and devoid of feedback that using it actively makes you doubt your soundness of mind. the dac inside being mediocre does not help its case as a dedicated audio player without good sound makes no sense in a world after 2008.

but i still keep it around and somewhat try to get myself to use it. i dont want it to go to waste, as useless as this thought is. i care about it enough to not want it to be waste. i probably wont be able to make it useful unfortunately.

i am also quite exhausted. the last few weeks have been mostly dictated by exams. ive written about them often enough to not need to explain further, but i will explain the fundamental things again because i dont care. these are pretty important so i want to at the very least pass them. i wouldve probably chosen to go a different route had i thought about it before, but now ive already gone far enough that stopping now would be a waste of time since i do have some things to gain. but that does not, unfortunately, mean i wont struggle with this bullshit.

being 6h long each and quite sizable in possible topics, studying is relatively mandatory if i want to feel comfortable going into them. they might be super easy for me, but they might also be really hard. ideally, i prepare for 80%, leaving the 20% i cannot get myself to ever willingly spend a thought on again as an exercise to the teacher. unfortunately, it is also possible the exam will focus 80% of its content on those 20%. oh well. i still have one exam i can safely fail. i am not going into statistical analysis that deep. the bigger issue is getting myself into a mental state where i am even capable of studying those remaining 80%. its much easier still than the little horrors, but nonetheless it requires attention i am at this point struggling to provide. while it has gotten better by a lot already, my days still suck significantly more than i would like, in mental state, motivation, and performance.

my sleep has gotten quite messed up again as a result of these things. when exhaustion and schedules deny stability, i cannot succeed in keeping a sleep schedule stable either, especially not in keeping it more stable than my mood itself. if i cant look forward to a day, i cannot expect to wake up energized for it or control my bed time.

this self feels different than most of the recent ones. my best guess as to why is that its primary mood is complaining about things i have no control over. i do this somewhat often even now, but usually there is something actionable and a bit more creativity in my thoughts. but today i do not feel very fresh and thus cannot create something super specifically fresh. a dry, low in style piece of shit for a self will have to do. thats what i feel like, so its no wonder that my text has similar properties.