i am feeling despair. its rare nowadays that i do. but i do. for the most part it is because i completely fucked up my sleep today, i think. if that was not the case, i would likely feel a lot better. but it does go deeper.

i am feeling a flavour of despair that is especially rare today. i basically find myself wholely dissociated and woefully unable to feel joy beyond the immediate moment while doing something hedonistic like playing games or consuming videos. i am also of low appetite. the dissociation is by far the worst part tho. it makes me feel weak. mentally weak. physically weak. no strength of will, no strength of muscle, no strength of thought.

it began even with the earliest part of the day: i woke up by the mercy of my alarm that indeed decided to function correctly today. i woke up with great difficulty. i woke up only to find myself in a state of such utter demotivation that i immediately went back to sleep. i didnt even try to stay awake. i usually know that getting up would help me not be tired anymore. but no, i didnt even think. i still felt quite tired. i still felt like sleeping. i still felt like not bothering. i still felt too bored to do anything now. so i turned off my alarm and went back to sleep.

i overslept until 9AM. i am meant to sleep until 5AM. 4 hours, effectively a reset for my adaptation. accordingly i did not feel very motivated to nap, so i skipped them too. really it was a worst case in most ways. i feel very tired now. i feel completely mentally messed up. both oversleeping and the initial undersleeping are known to cause me mood issues.

i dont know what to do now.

i can continue, but i know my motivation is very low right now. i know i will be very tired when ill wake up. it will be very, very hard to power through. but i want to do it. but i dont know whether i can.

the issue is that when i get demotivated, i start an infinite cycle. im not motivated, so i dont care to get out of bed. sleeping is more comfortable, easier. i sleep too much. and then i oversleep and decrease my motivation further in the process. there is no escape.

i dont know what to do now.

there is nothing left to do.

except i know there is. but i am slowly realizing that school is less over than i thought and it is killing my motivation for some reason. it once again stresses me to exist, and nothing feels worth my time. i am once again in a prison of my own creation, my own mind, my own desires.

i am freezing in place. i am feeling increasingly unchanging over the last day or two. im used to changing several times a day. not today.

technically i did tons of stuff yesterday and changed quite a bit. but it feels so distant now. and today i have made no progress in anything, at least so far. and now with the exams approaching, my goals and creativity are disappearing more and more once more.

i dont know what to do now.

part of me says to sleep as much as i want now and then reattempt the adaptation. part of me says to keep going and that i can do it! but i dont want to listen to it. i want to sleep more, but i know it will make my days worse.

i dont know what to do now.

this self wont end on a positive note or decision. no option is acceptable to me.

i dont know what to do now.

i dont know what to do now.