i dont want to call this self "not enough 3" even though it may be about equally accurate as the title i gave it. if i had called it "not enough 3", the reader might have assumed it to be a regurgitation of some of the things said in the previous "not enough" posts, but this is not the case. i have noticed in fact that i hated writing the last two posts (not enough 2 and the end). they are fine in result, but they were written in a context where my thoughts were not free. i wrote them out of boredom despite being in one of the worst possible environments to write something in: a loud classroom where someone was talking at me.

as a result, the only thing left to give me any satisfaction was feedback, because i enjoy hearing other people's thoughts in response to mine: it gives me more thoughts to think about. but not even that happened because i had apparently caught most people either at a bad time or a time where they were sick of my ramblings or didnt have many thoughts on them. as a result i also got no feedback. the two selves were in limbo in every possible way: they made next to no development, they did not change my thoughts on anything in a way that i would be aware of; they did not bring joy to write, they were kind of exhausting to write even; they also did not get any feedback and thus started no further thought processes.

i dont know whether to be happy they exist or not, because what is written within is not as bad as i remembered it feeling, but they seem like they were not written by me and thus should not be on a page containing specifically things written by me.

as a result of this conflict, among some other things, i felt once again like i did nothing today (except potting a plant) and that once again caused me despair. i do not want to call this self "not enough" though, because clearly i did enough today and i even recognize that myself, but i feel despair about the way that some of the things i have done today are, even though that despair is the same flavour of despair i usually feel when not feeling like i did enough to feel satisfied some particular day.