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content warning: despite literally being about my relationship with music and movies, this text ended up including themes of mind control and bdsm, along with addiction.



i feel bound. i am listening to music, and often when i do that i cannot easily stop. i also dont necessarily enjoy continuing, but i would dislike the moment of stopping more than the persistent burden of continuing on.

it is an addiction. it is not an addiction like caffeine, because with caffeine the only thing keeping me from consuming it was the good taste that tended to accompany it, not the caffeine itself. thus it was easy to quit. music is not.

maybe i should not try to quit music. it is a nice thing that i can do, and if for everything nice i do, i start saying its an addiction and i need to quit it, i will end up with some toxic dopamine detox type of thing. but at the same time, the addicted mind will always find a reason to deny its addiction.

we are all bound by dopamine.
everything that makes dopamine
can be addicting.
but there is
no
way
to
stop
that.

why should i get rid of what makes me happy?
why should i get rid of what makes me feel good?
why am i talking about it like a coping addict?
are we all coping addicts,
addicted to life?
bad thought.
bad thought.
bad thought.
how to have a good thought
i need to wake up
i need to wake up
i need to wake up
regain control of
the conscious thoughts
the train of thought
that was stolen
by the music
why does media steal me
movies too
and books.
when i consume i become.
i need to power cycle my existence.



my thoughts have returned. i have stopped the music. why does media consumption change me unless it is purely informational or i am really lucky, why does listening to music make me unable to move on and stop. why does it bind me to my headphones, the lyrics and melody taking over my agency and controlling what i am allowed to think until by luck the next album may be graceful enough to permit me to go. why does my mind meld into movies whenever i watch them, each time pulling me so far from myself that i have no say in what i think and no clue who i am and if the returned me is still the same.

why is the only way to even remotely accurately express what happens when i consume media to write a borderline bdsm fanfiction of myself.

i need to think about how to proceed. my mind still yearns to click play again and be consumed, but i will not let another hour pass doing nothing except being a prisoner to my own mind or the headphones strapped to it, i will eat and i will go outside and i will think about what to do to combat this or if i even want to or maybe i like it after all in some fucked up way. i like agency, but being stripped of it for a limited time while being subjected to music (something i like) is also an idea i can feel desire for. can you believe i am asexual?

my mind is still fucked up. i need time to recover. after movies i usually take a day or two to become somewhat mentally true again. i hope this will not take that long.