today has been, in about every sense of the word, a bad day.

im not sure when it became bad. there were joyful parts, like the reisnudel stream i did. but that is about all.

nearly everything else was bad.

i am bored, feeling stuck, feeling angry, feeling anguish, feeling anger, feeling suffering, feeling frustrated, feeling some flavour of social pain, feeling most negative emotions really.

i wasnt gonna game too much these few days but it feels like that might be my only way out of this emotional pit.

its luckily not caused by the lack of gaming, but rather by social media. nonetheless i dont really want to give up on this ungamingly time.

ive had exactly one purely positive interaction today, just now, with my mother in fact. when she isnt so mentall messed up herself she can be really nice to talk to nowadays, which is very nice to see.

i am also now trying to fix my day with very specifically selected music albums. the kind that break you apart, fuck you up completely and even more than you already are, only to then fix you and make you whole again. i need a different one for each kind of mental horror i can experience, and right now the Celeste OST starting at Anxiety is what i think will work best. in fact, it has started working already.

writing has been one of my only escapes so far today. it cleans my feelings, allows me to climb out of hell. or at least a layer up.

maybe this is in part caused by my sleep and yesterday's exam. both of which were kind of fucked up and horrific.

maybe my plurality is resurfacing and im having to readjust. i really dont know. last i checked i had merged, or at the very least was in a persistent cofront. but who knows. stress from exams can do many things im sure.